Therapy..To do or not to do?? That is the question.

O.K. this time around I have been in therapy for about 6 months.  I really love my therapist(let's call her "The Sane One". I don't know if anyone relates but sometimes I wonder if I am in therapy just to create yet another competition??? Hmm, does this sound just a bit delusional?
Well, this is where this crazy thought comes from..While attending therapy I am constantly thinking that I need to prove that I am super controlled, superior to others(because I can starve),and worthy of the therapy I am receiving.  Yet, I do feel therapy helps to make me aware of thoughts/behaviors I have been previously unaware of.  Sometimes I am soaring through the sky, feeling on top of the world.."I can do this, I can be as thin as I need to be, This is my purpose, This is my only friend, This comforts me, This loves me, never abandons me"and Sometimes, there are days like today"I can't do this, I am weak, I resent being punished, I want friends, I want to trust again, I want to be comforted by another human not by "my master", I am tired, I am depressed, I want to live not just exist preoccupied by all of these rules and demands I have created to survive in this cruel uncertain world..I could babble all day.. Today is the day, I laugh then I cry, I want to cease existing yet I am petrified of what comes next..109.109.109.109.109..I am sure, this time, that if I can shrink to 99 I will be at peace, I will be satisfied..Today I have sat, for what seemed like hours, on the toilet watching those beautiful birds..Red, Blue, Big, Small, Noisy, Quiet but most of all free,Free,Free.....Can I join them, please? I long for freedom, I long to be weightless, gliding through the air..No worries, no cages, no scales, no treadmills, no thoughts of food, no rules, Just me and the birds....Much love and light...

The Beginning of The Road...

I have chosen to share my path for many reasons.  I have to admit that the main reason is a selfish one. There needs to be a place for me to share my thoughts, no matter how demented.  Many of us have similar stories and similar lives. We may be at different crossroads but we all have the same goal. To be thin, even though, we know in our hearts that we can never be thin enough..never.  I am not a believer in comparing, judging, or lecturing..  Weight    is not a true indication of whether a person needs to seek help..It is our ability to function that should help us decide. With that being said, never be afraid to share your story, never be afraid because "you weigh too much", I am here and welcome comments.. Positive and negative..  I would like to be as honest as possible and if I avoid the negative comments I don't think honesty is truly possible. Today my weight is 109 lbs.  For me, the idea of maintaining three digits is completely unbearable. I am on a quest to be below 100.  Hopefully, I will find peace somewhere between 95 and 99.  That is my goal. I have been meditating daily. Hoping to find some guidance, as I really would like to remain as healthy as possible. Both in mind and body. I have also made a commitment to myself to abstain from purging..If I eat something that causes me anxiety, I need  to sit with it and not allow myself the quick fix I constantly choose... I am also refraining from laxative use.. I am very aware of the fact that it does not cause true "weight loss". For me it is the need to feel empty that drives me..I need to start my day loves.. To anyone who took the time to read this. Thank You..

CW 109

GW 95-99

HT 5"7

Calorie Goal for The Day "Under 1000"