Well, this is where this crazy thought comes from..While attending therapy I am constantly thinking that I need to prove that I am super controlled, superior to others(because I can starve),and worthy of the therapy I am receiving. Yet, I do feel therapy helps to make me aware of thoughts/behaviors I have been previously unaware of. Sometimes I am soaring through the sky, feeling on top of the world.."I can do this, I can be as thin as I need to be, This is my purpose, This is my only friend, This comforts me, This loves me, never abandons me"and Sometimes, there are days like today"I can't do this, I am weak, I resent being punished, I want friends, I want to trust again, I want to be comforted by another human not by "my master", I am tired, I am depressed, I want to live not just exist preoccupied by all of these rules and demands I have created to survive in this cruel uncertain world..I could babble all day.. Today is the day, I laugh then I cry, I want to cease existing yet I am petrified of what comes next..109.109.109.109.109..I am sure, this time, that if I can shrink to 99 I will be at peace, I will be satisfied..Today I have sat, for what seemed like hours, on the toilet watching those beautiful birds..Red, Blue, Big, Small, Noisy, Quiet but most of all free,Free,Free.....Can I join them, please? I long for freedom, I long to be weightless, gliding through the air..No worries, no cages, no scales, no treadmills, no thoughts of food, no rules, Just me and the birds....Much love and light...
On the yellowbrick road searching for my Dorothy.. I am a woman that has been searching for self acceptance for 28 years. I know I will never be satisfied with my weight and would like to share my experiences on my way to finding a number that may just, even if it is just a tiny bit, make me happy..Much love and light to those who choose to take this journey with me.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Therapy..To do or not to do?? That is the question.
O.K. this time around I have been in therapy for about 6 months. I really love my therapist(let's call her "The Sane One". I don't know if anyone relates but sometimes I wonder if I am in therapy just to create yet another competition??? Hmm, does this sound just a bit delusional?
Well, this is where this crazy thought comes from..While attending therapy I am constantly thinking that I need to prove that I am super controlled, superior to others(because I can starve),and worthy of the therapy I am receiving. Yet, I do feel therapy helps to make me aware of thoughts/behaviors I have been previously unaware of. Sometimes I am soaring through the sky, feeling on top of the world.."I can do this, I can be as thin as I need to be, This is my purpose, This is my only friend, This comforts me, This loves me, never abandons me"and Sometimes, there are days like today"I can't do this, I am weak, I resent being punished, I want friends, I want to trust again, I want to be comforted by another human not by "my master", I am tired, I am depressed, I want to live not just exist preoccupied by all of these rules and demands I have created to survive in this cruel uncertain world..I could babble all day.. Today is the day, I laugh then I cry, I want to cease existing yet I am petrified of what comes next..109.109.109.109.109..I am sure, this time, that if I can shrink to 99 I will be at peace, I will be satisfied..Today I have sat, for what seemed like hours, on the toilet watching those beautiful birds..Red, Blue, Big, Small, Noisy, Quiet but most of all free,Free,Free.....Can I join them, please? I long for freedom, I long to be weightless, gliding through the air..No worries, no cages, no scales, no treadmills, no thoughts of food, no rules, Just me and the birds....Much love and light...
Well, this is where this crazy thought comes from..While attending therapy I am constantly thinking that I need to prove that I am super controlled, superior to others(because I can starve),and worthy of the therapy I am receiving. Yet, I do feel therapy helps to make me aware of thoughts/behaviors I have been previously unaware of. Sometimes I am soaring through the sky, feeling on top of the world.."I can do this, I can be as thin as I need to be, This is my purpose, This is my only friend, This comforts me, This loves me, never abandons me"and Sometimes, there are days like today"I can't do this, I am weak, I resent being punished, I want friends, I want to trust again, I want to be comforted by another human not by "my master", I am tired, I am depressed, I want to live not just exist preoccupied by all of these rules and demands I have created to survive in this cruel uncertain world..I could babble all day.. Today is the day, I laugh then I cry, I want to cease existing yet I am petrified of what comes next..109.109.109.109.109..I am sure, this time, that if I can shrink to 99 I will be at peace, I will be satisfied..Today I have sat, for what seemed like hours, on the toilet watching those beautiful birds..Red, Blue, Big, Small, Noisy, Quiet but most of all free,Free,Free.....Can I join them, please? I long for freedom, I long to be weightless, gliding through the air..No worries, no cages, no scales, no treadmills, no thoughts of food, no rules, Just me and the birds....Much love and light...
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1 comment:
I know this is an old post but I'm commenting anyways! Mwahhhaahh!
Oh therapy. I'm with you girl. Been seeing mine for over a year now and every day I walk in there with the plan to never go back. Yet, every week there I sit again. I completely understand the competition aspect of therapy that you speak of. You are beautiful. I can see you in your words. And I think you are lovely. <3 Jade
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